IF YOU LOVE HIM OR HER YOU WILL QUARREL

You don’t know him or her until there is a quarrel. A quarrel tests character. Knowledge grows from disagreement. Love is a deeper knowledge of your partner. It is not just the romantic feeling, it is the feeling of tolerance, the feeling of acceptance and understanding.

A quarrel reveals weakness. It displays maturity.

A quarrel creates a platform for t
he woman to submit and the man to show love.

Don’t run away from confrontation. A confrontation will give you revelation. To walk away or to continue becomes clearer. Too much quarrel that ends with physical abuse is a danger sign. It is saying , ‘Quit!’

A quarrel creates room for patience. And patience is a virtue that can sustain a relationship. Any relationship.

An engaged couple came for counseling. They were preparing for marriage. The Pastor asked, “How are things going?”

“Great”, they said enthusiastically.

“Really?” the pastor asked.

“Yes”, the couple chorused.

“Have you had any quarrel? Any disagreement?”

The woman responded, “No o. It has been wonderful all the way”. And both stared at each other with a smile.

The pastor nodded his head. “No ,that is not good at all. I can’t wed you both”

“Why?” the lady asked.

“Go and have a quarrel. Disagree on something. Hurt yourself and see how much you can forgive yourselves. See how you can disagree to agree. Your courtship is too good to be true”.

The fight is important. It test your compatibility. But you must fight fair. I am not talking about throwing insults at each other or physical assault. I am talking about disagreements.

Marriage is not for two perfect people. It is for two imperfect people who seek to make their marriage perfect. They work hard to make sure that they are together. They have a deep understanding for each other because they realize that they are both fragile, human. And so they look up to God.

The test of your compatibility is after the quarrel. It is your capacity to forgive each other that determines how compatible you both are. Strong marriages are built on forgiveness. The Press once asked Bill Graham’s wife , Ruth Graham , how she had been able to stay with her husband for 60 years. She gave a smile and said, “I have learnt to forgive Bill” .

You see, there will be many offenses in your marriage. Does forgiveness for him/her come easily, naturally? Please hear me. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is something we must do. I understand that. Forgiveness is a product of faith acting without feelings. However, when it comes to compatibility and marriage, your love for him/her should be strong enough to make forgiveness easier.

Quarrel is an important test in compatibility. Again remember that a quarrel should help you know when it is time to call it quit or not. Here is a mail I received recently. Names have been changed for privacy reason .
QUESTION:
I’m Chinyere Madwueke. I love this guy so much. We have been dating him for 5 years now. But I have one problem. He beats me a lot. I have tried to leave him but I see myself coming back. He also comes back and begs…and I see myself forgiving him. Now he is talking marriage. I love him so I said yes. But now I am afraid. Please advise me.

ANSWER:

I know how love can make one make stupid decisions. To surprise you, I have been a victim of making irrational decisions because I once loved someone. I truly understand how you feel. But sincerely, you have to BREAK that relationship. Please don’t marry the guy. This is for your own good. I know of a man who beat his wife to pulp. She called her brother who came and joined in the fight only to hit her husband roughly and he fell down and died. Today, she and her brother are awaiting trial…Don’t worry, you will have someone right come your way if you let go and become patient. Beating in a relationship is a bad sign.
Don’t marry a man who beats you. If he beats you the first time, he will beat you again and again; his promises are a lie.
How angry can he/she be? Can you bear it? A quarrel will test your relationship. In fact, all relationships whether in courtship or marriage will be tested by quarrel.

3 APPROVALS THAT YOU MUST HAVE BEFORE YOU MARRY

The feeling of love is not an indication that you are ready; peace is. Peace is approval.

Feelings fluctuate. Feelings  are a mediocre way of confirming readiness or revealing compatibility. Real love is more than feeling. In fact, it begins where feelings stop.

There is an inner witness. You first need inner approval. If there is no approval. If there is no peace in you, don’t make that move. Let peace always be your final indicator, your umpire. How do you know when there is ‘yes’ in you when you have not learnt how to fellowship with yourself? To fellowship with yourself is to enjoy singlehood, define your values , and set a trajectory for your life. To fellowship with yourself means to commune with your creator, the creator of  you.

The same way you felt before you applied and got that job, that contract, or pursued that career, is the same way you will feel when it comes to the choice of a partner. God will deal with you the same way. If it was through dreams, vision, strong impression, the pattern and method would not change. God doesn’t direct you to one person but to a group of women who have similar values, temperaments that can be compatible with you. This  happens through witness or inner peace.

The first approval you need is inner approval. Interestingly, that usually is God’s approval.

The second approval is mentoral or pastoral approval. Any engaged couple that doesn’t have mentoral or pastoral guidance is headed for trouble. People see what you don’t see. Focus is blind. You are so engrossed you need a  mentoral or pastoral perspective. Our emotions and involvements many times becloud our perspective.

Young woman, don’t marry a man who doesn’t have a pastor or mentor he listens to. This is important because in the days of trouble, you can run to that mentor and your husband would listen to that mentor.

Young man, don’t marry a woman who isn’t loyal to a church or synagogue. Her submission is all the proof you need to believe that she will submit to you. Also, her pastor knows her and can tell you what to watch out for! If your pastor expresses reservation, consider. Don’t back off, but consider. Weigh the odds. Let reason conquer emotions. People observe what you don’t observe.

Third approval is parental and family approval

If your relationship isolates you, then be carefully about it. It is naturally for parents ,siblings and friends to show some form of jealousy. After all, they love you . They want best for you. In the midst of the fray , there may be wisdom. Of course! Your parents are not always right. Prayerfully, get your parental consent. Don’t fight your parents. There is a blessing they must give you.

There are conditions when parents because of prejudice, sentiments, tribal issues or status, may oppose. Eloping is not the answer. Living together is not either. Fighting and quarrelling are not it. There is place called the inner chamber. Never underestimate the power of the inner chamber. The heart of men are in the hands of God. Begin your courtship with prayer. A spiritual foundation is the best marital foundation. Pray about any opposition

Remember that marriage is not for boys, but for men; women, not girls. Age indeed isn’t maturity or sign of it, but a 16 years old girl should not be talking marriage; for marriage is a daunting task. It is better to enjoy singlehood than carry the burden of marriage at that early age. Take this test of approval seriously.

What are your siblings saying? And your friends? Now, they mustn’t totally agree, but they must admit that your ‘person’ is OK for you. If your parent, sibling and friends vehemently oppose your relationship, stop and consider. Their consent is key. Their consent is their blessing.

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